Not a fan of bumping into people and feeling obligated to make small talk, and all of that stuff.

It’s a totally different experience depending on: if I know the person well, just barely, or to a complete stranger.

They each create different: pressures, demands and expectations, and I can honestly say I struggle more with bumping into people I know, compared to a stranger.

I’m generally so caught up with the myriad of thoughts, worries, problems, things-to-do, my own lack of self esteem and self worth, that trying to then have to switch on ‘masking mode’ can now often be near impossible.

I’m not a rude person, or even impolite, quite the opposite, and this is what breaks my own heart and weighs heavily on me in these situations.

In recent years my ability to mask and/or pretend in certain situations has dramatically reduced, to the point where as of now, I can barely fake a ‘good morning’ when I’m out walking Poppy, let alone extended small talk.

The most I can manage, if I’m walking towards someone, and they say “good morning”, is: fake a brief smile, maybe raise my hand up as a gesture of saying hello, but I can’t muster the necessary words out of my mouth.

I also wear my headphones to clearly indicate I’m otherwise engaged in listening to something (when in fact more often than not, I’m not listening to anything), but even then people still attempt to make conversation, and that then becomes tricky.

It’s also become more common that I’ll insert some foam earplugs as well as headphones, as any form of background noise: people talking, children yelling, background music in a shop of cafe, is becoming harder to tolerate.

It’s becoming more frequent that some people see me as being rude, and have dropped the odd passing “yeah, good morning to you too” as they walk past. To hear and feel that sort of reaction, is so upsetting, and further feeds into my belief that I’m just not a nice person.

To feel so drained and weighed down by such a heavy mind, that I dread any social interaction is not something I feel I can maintain indefinitely.

It’s not a life I’m living; I don’t get any sense of contentment, happiness, pleasure, satisfaction; it’s just existing… barely.

I acknowledge I’ve been through such an awful few years with my mental health, and have lost my way particularly in light of my recent AuDHD diagnosis, but still…

I’m so hard on myself to the point where I became more and more isolated; walking Poppy in places where I’d less likely to see people, to keep my distance, to avoid nosy and busy places, but living in a small town feels like wondering round the sides of a goldfish bowl, too anxious to even venture towards the middle.

The following is a simplified list of things that I go through when I know I’m going to have to somehow acknowledged and interact with someone, particularly if I’m having a harder day than usual:

My AuDHD experience of Meeting Someone New:

1. Shit myself because I realise I’m about to meet someone new.
2. Shit myself because I must now intiate ‘small talk’.
3. Panic because I don’t want to have to make ‘small talk’ because I don’t like it, and have the energy.
4. Before meeting ‘new person’ try to remind myself to ask ‘new persons’ name, and promise myself I’ll remember it by keeping repeating the name in my head, whilst trying to listen, and make ‘small talk’.
5. I forget to ask name, but the ‘new person’ introduces themselves.
6. Endure ‘small talk’; feels like eternity.
7. After ‘small talk’ is concluded, I walk away having no idea of this ‘new persons’ name, or what was said.
8. Feel guilty for not remembering the name, and now worry about meeting them again, whilst feeling shit because I couldn’t even remember to remember their name.
9. Panic and stress that I came across as awkward, and/or weird, and/or uninteresting.
10. Must now retreat to man cave and recover from ‘new person small talk’ ordeal.