Not Neurotypical™ (Neurodivergent)

Graham’s Late Diagnosed AuDHD Blog

Category: Social Challenges

  • Pervasive Autistic Burnout

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    “Autistic burnout is pervasive, long-term (3+ months) exhaustion, loss of function, and reduced tolerance to stimulus.

    It’s described as being the result of chronic life stress, and a mismatch of expectations and abilities without adequate supports.”

    I’ve been in this Burnout state for so long, it’s suffocating, like a relentless fog that refuses to lift. It doesn’t just feel like the norm anymore—it is my norm, an oppressive shadow stitched into every moment.

    The sheer, overwhelming effort required just to exist each day is not only exhausting but feels like a cruel joke, intensifying the burnout with every breath. Waking up feels like a punishment, facing another day where even the simplest tasks drain me more than they should.

    The boundaries between depression, anxiety, apathy, fear, exhaustion—they’re not just blurred; they’re non-existent. They’ve merged into this chaotic, tangled mess that is Autistic Burnout, a vortex pulling me deeper, making it impossible to distinguish one emotion from another.

    It’s like being trapped in a body and mind that aren’t mine. But even if they were, they wouldn’t be of any use because they don’t work. They’re broken in ways that words can’t fix.

    So really, what’s the fucking point? There’s no escape, no respite, just an endless loop of trying and failing, until trying feels pointless too.

  • AUTISTIC AS FXXK

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    For Autistic punks, rebels and misfits forging their own path in a neurotypical world.

    Raise your middle finger to neuronormativity!

    🖕🖕🏿🖕🏾🖕🏽🖕🏼🖕🏻

    Source: www.autisticasfxxk.com

  • Growing up Undiagnosed

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    “To grow up as an undiagnosed autistic person and/or ADHDer (AuDHD) is to spend a lifetime being: gaslit, ostracized and misunderstood.

    It is only natural that our mental health would suffer as a result of that.” — Unknown

  • On Having Autistic Burnout at 53

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    Autistic burnout is an intense, chronic state of physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion. 

    Typically caused by prolonged masking, sensory overload, social demands, and the constant struggle to navigate a world that isn’t built for neurodivergent minds. 

    For someone diagnosed late, (like me at 53 along with ADHD), after a lifetime of battling depression—it can feel like finally having a clearer idea of where you’re meant to be headed, but still being too drained to follow it.

    The exhaustion isn’t just about being tired; it’s a deep, suffocating fog that steals focus, energy, and the ability to engage with creative passions. 

    Ideas that once burned brightly in your mind become unreachable, tangled in frustration as concentration slips through your fingers. 

    You know what you want to create, but your brain won’t cooperate. Projects stall, and the gap between vision and execution feels insurmountable.

    Worse, the frustration compounds the burnout—each failed attempt reinforces self-doubt, feeding the cycle of exhaustion. 

    It’s not laziness or lack of skill; it’s the crushing weight of a mind pushed past its limits for too long. 

    Recovery isn’t just about rest; it’s about unlearning harmful expectations, reducing demands, and allowing yourself the space to rebuild, at your own pace, in a way that actually works for you.

    Better said than done, and something that is thus far utterly eluding me.

  • The Brain

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    The neurodivergent experience is talking about your brain as if it’s a separate entity from your self.

    Even before I knew about autism I always talked about my brain like a computer, with hardware, software and different programs, because that’s how it feels.

    I gotta boot up the social app to talk to people, then close it and switch to the work app, so l can focus on working.

    Or experience an unexpected error, or crash, and have to restart.

  • Not Neurotypical

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    “Overwhelmingly struggling with the recent discovery that I’ve lived with AuDHD (Autism+ADHD aka Neurodivergent) my whole life, without knowing it.”

    I’ve continuously battled, and been medicated for: MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) since my late teens.

    Not to mention the incorrect diagnosis of Bipolar, some 20 years ago.

    In retrospect, in most cases, the cause of my immense emotional, psychological and personal struggles, is the result of exceeding my AuDHD boundaries, thus causing: depression, burnout, anxiety, social & personal challenges etc; I guess.

    Where to go from here?

    Maybe a candle will help…¯\_(ツ)_/¯

  • Expectations — Bruce Lee

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    As Bruce Lee said, “I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”

    When it comes down to it, I really do care what people may or may not think of me.

    As try as I might to not allow myself to ’care’, as a person I just feel I can’t help it.

    It seems I’ve always been this way, at least from late teens into and past my 20’s.

    Yet parts of my personality trait, and also when depressed, have led to my actions or non actions often being perceived as: confusing, frustrating, upsetting etc by others.

    Telephone calls are one example, not opening the door when people would take time to come and visit, looking glum, looking unapproachable, being indifferent, not being able to make certain decisions, making plans and abandoning at the last minute etc.

    Mostly all are unintentional (I have mastered the ‘don’t approach me face for personal security’) yet the consequences have often been quite negative, so this always leaves me so exasperated with myself.

    I’ve not yet learnt how to live up to my own expectations, let alone anyone else’s.

  • AuDHD Late Diagnosis Grief Process

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    Usually a pretty articulate person, but since my most recent battle with major depression and subsequent diagnosis of AuDhD at the age of 53, I’ve struggled with concentration, with a near permanent state of complete mental, physical and emotional exhaustion.

    Yet, I’ve also desperately wanted to, somehow, write and articulate what has, is and might happen to me. 

    Tick all the boxes for Autistic Burnout, which frankly is just the proverbial icing on the cake.

    So much has happened to me in the last 4 years, that has left me more fragile than an eggshell, that I’ve just not known where to start, so here I am.

    I saw a Tweet that sort of resonated with me, but I felt compelled to personalise it:

    AuDHD Late Diagnosis Grief Process

    1. Bewilderment, non acceptance, tears.
    2. The “wait a minute” moment…
    3. Realising a lot of your life has been a lie, fighting battles with your mind and body that you were never going to win. Losing friends, relatives, jobs along the way, now starts to makes more sense
    4. Anger, frustration, shame and guilt, with immense uncertainty going forward. Questioning and reliving numerous past events; relentless rage and grief at a life lost.
    5. Existential dread and profound identity crisis; if I’m not the person I’ve tried to be, then who am I now, and going forward.
    6. Continues to dwell on the past, whilst simultaneously worrying about the present and future.
    7. Rinse and repeat.

  • Triumph — T.S. Eliot

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    “.…we fight rather to keep something alive than in the expectation that anything will triumph.” — T. S. Eliot

    You might not see it looking at them, but they are fighting a brutal psychological internal battle. 

    Fighting to keep ourselves alive, when pretty much everything else in our lives feels against us. This it self is enough to warrant being called a ‘continuous triumph’; however, we don’t acknowledge the triumph as it’s continually suffocated by the oppression of depression.

    There’s no ‘expectant triumph’; we simply feel we don’t deserve it.

    Will we ever be free of having to fight for just a bit of internal peace, to feel some calm rather than a continuous storm and barrage of: self doubt, self loathing, apathy, exhaustion, frustration, sadness, terror, anxiety, etc. 

    To survive a gruelling depressive episode feels more like a miracle; not a ‘triumph’. But it’s a win, and we will inevitably accept it as very well deserved.

  • To Inspire — Ryan Holiday

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    “What if your aim wasn’t merely to ‘survive the week’ (because the more you think about that the more ridiculous* it becomes).

    What if your primary reason for getting out of bed on Monday morning was to inspire people?” – Ryan Holiday

    I came across this quote last year, when I was at the lowest I’ve ever been.

    Although I wasn’t in a place to act on this quote, it really did resonate with me. This quote was taken from the book The Daily Stoic, and it was something I kept in mind for when I would hopefully feel better, and in a place where I would be able to better act on it.

    It’s actually surprising easy to inspire others, and half the time you’ll not even realise you have, inadvertently inspired someone.

    * For me it was trying to survive each day, as ludicrous as that might sound to some